Up until now I’ve resisted the temptation to blog about grief.
To be honest, its not a word I like.
Perhaps its me who is weird here (wouldn’t be the first time) but when we lose someone that we love I feel that their life should be celebrated not mourned. When the Big Green Gummi Bear passed away last October, he left very few instructions regarding his funeral wishes. I feel we celebrated his life in a way that he would have appreciated. I felt that the humanist service reflected him and his personality rather than being a staid solemn affair. (Some may beg to differ).
In the weeks/months since I have explored several websites and bereavement/grief forums looking for…well I’m not really sure what I was looking for. I kind of felt I should check out these places in an effort to help me come to terms with all that had happened.
I very quickly discovered that these were not for me. No disrespect to anyone who draws comfort from them, but I found them to be spaces where folk were dwelling on their loss. Places where people were content to stay stuck in the throes of death and loss. Maudling spaces. Sorry, that’s not for me.
I mentioned that the word grief makes me feel uncomfortable.
I prefer to think of myself as healing.
People tell you that you need to move on. Another strange expression…. Yes, you do need to move on, but I feel that I need to move on with my memories (good and bad) and not just park them in that space marked grief/bereavement/loss. Moving on with those memories is all part of the healing journey. Those memories have made me who I am.
I sometimes get the impression that I make friends and colleagues uncomfortable by talking openly and honestly about the Big Green Gummi Bear. What am I meant to do? Stay silent and pretend he never existed? Not happening.
If I’m to move forwards in a healthy manner, then those memories have to move forward with me too. Yes, there are still plenty of occasions where I can feel my emotions threatening to overwhelm me, but a pause and a deep breath are usually enough to see me through the conversation. Let’s face it no one wants to see you crying and at the end of the day there are only so many tears you can shed. Every storm runs out of rain eventually.
The Helen Keller quote above ties in beautifully with my philosophy here. After several rough years, I am ready to turn my face towards the sun. I’m ready to let those shadows fall behind me rather than have them consume me. I’ll never be without my shadow. None of us are unless you’re like Peter Pan but I don’t need it staring me in the face. It needs to find its proper place and that’s behind me. I’ll check in on it when I need to. I won’t forget about it.
One step at a time I’m finding my new path through this journey called life.
Coral McCallum 