Monthly Archives: March 2024

Sunflowers, Shadows, Grief and Living…

Up until now I’ve resisted the temptation to blog about grief.

To be honest, its not a word I like.

Perhaps its me who is weird here (wouldn’t be the first time) but when we lose someone that we love I feel that their life should be celebrated not mourned. When the Big Green Gummi Bear passed away last October, he left very few instructions regarding his funeral wishes. I feel we celebrated his life in a way that he would have appreciated. I felt that the humanist service reflected him and his personality rather than being a staid solemn affair. (Some may beg to differ).

In the weeks/months since I have explored several websites and bereavement/grief forums looking for…well I’m not really sure what I was looking for. I kind of felt I should check out these places in an effort to help me come to terms with all that had happened.

I very quickly discovered that these were not for me. No disrespect to anyone who draws comfort from them, but I found them to be spaces where folk were dwelling on their loss. Places where people were content to stay stuck in the throes of death and loss. Maudling spaces. Sorry, that’s not for me.

I mentioned that the word grief makes me feel uncomfortable.

I prefer to think of myself as healing.

People tell you that you need to move on. Another strange expression…. Yes, you do need to move on, but I feel that I need to move on with my memories (good and bad) and not just park them in that space marked grief/bereavement/loss. Moving on with those memories is all part of the healing journey. Those memories have made me who I am.

I sometimes get the impression that I make friends and colleagues uncomfortable by talking openly and honestly about the Big Green Gummi Bear. What am I meant to do? Stay silent and pretend he never existed?  Not happening.

If I’m to move forwards in a healthy manner, then those memories have to move forward with me too. Yes, there are still plenty of occasions where I can feel my emotions threatening to overwhelm me, but a pause and a deep breath are usually enough to see me through the conversation. Let’s face it no one wants to see you crying and at the end of the day there are only so many tears you can shed. Every storm runs out of rain eventually.

The Helen Keller quote above ties in beautifully with my philosophy here. After several rough years, I am ready to turn my face towards the sun. I’m ready to let those shadows fall behind me rather than have them consume me. I’ll never be without my shadow. None of us are unless you’re like Peter Pan but I don’t need it staring me in the face. It needs to find its proper place and that’s behind me. I’ll check in on it when I need to. I won’t forget about it.

 One step at a time I’m finding my new path through this journey called life.

The Measly Jar of Motivation – the feeling of anticipation

I sat down to write this week’s blog savouring the feeling of anticipation of a creative spurt.

I hoped to seek joy in the words I would write.

I sat, pencil in hand, staring at the blank page.

I sat poised to write.

I waited……

And I waited……

And I’m still sitting with the feeling of anticipation as I wait for the words to begin to flow….

March is Brain Tumour Awareness month in the UK – did you know that?

March is Brain Tumour awareness month in the UK…and I’ll bet you weren’t aware of that. (Ok, some of you might have been)

In general, I keep my private life out of my blog but this week I’m making an exception.

But first some facts….

Did you know that brain tumours are the biggest killer of adults under 40 and children?

Brain tumour research represents around 1% of the national spend on cancer in the UK. (The biggest spend is on breast cancer – £52M which equates to 7.76%)

In general, only 17% of people diagnosed with a cancerous brain tumour will survive 5 years or more. (This compares to around 70% for breast cancer)

Over 12000 people in the UK are diagnosed each year with a primary brain tumour, including 500 children.

Over 5300 people lose their lives to a brain tumour every year in the UK.

An estimated 88000 adults and children in the UK are currently living with a brain tumour.

I’ll pause here to let you digest these facts…..

The Big Green Gummi Bear, my late husband, lost his life to a brain tumour (Glioblastoma) in October 2023.  He was only 54 years old.

The Big Green Gummi Bear was first diagnosed on 26 August 2020, at the height of Covid. I chose not to share any aspect of his journey – our journey- via my blog as I felt it was something too personal and too raw to share. To an extent, it still is.

In October 2020 I reached out to MacMillan Cancer Support’s online community for support. I felt lost and scared and simply needed someone to hold my hand and guide me through the nightmare that was unfolding in front of me. MacMillan’s community was there for me and still is.  I was invited a few months later to train to become one of their Online Community Champions. It’s a volunteer role I fulfil still on a daily basis. I felt after The Big Green Gummi Bear passed away that it would be selfish of me to withdraw my time and support from that community just because I didn’t necessarily need them anymore. Supporting the users of that community has in fact helped me with the healing process we call grief. If something I say helps someone to feel less lost, less useless and less scared then, its worth the pain of ripping the scabs off these partially healed wounds.

Over the past few years, I have written several blogs for MacMillan’s community blog space that have been well-received.

To help raise awareness of the impact that a primary brain tumour diagnosis can have not just on the person with the diagnosis but their friends and family too, I’d like to share the links to some of these blogs here.

Caring for a partner with a brain tumour – a Community member’s story – Macmillan Online Community

“I’m fine”: how do you really cope as a carer? – Macmillan Online Community

How do you prepare to hear the news? Getting the results with member Wee Me – Macmillan Online Community

If you or a friend or family member has been impacted by a brain tumour diagnosis, here are some links that you may find supportive:

Macmillan Cancer Support | The UK’s leading cancer care charity

The Brain Tumour Charity

Brain Tumour Research | Together we will find a cure

Home – Brainstrust, brain tumour charity

Brain tumours | Cancer Research UK

Thank you for reading/listening

(image sourced via Google- credits to the owner)

World Book Day 2024 – celebrate with a free e-book

Happy World Book Day 2024

Ellen             “I vowed to prove them wrong.”

Tailz              “I believe this is about where we got to before.”

Luke              “You mess this up and you’re history! Hear me?”

Nana              “You should be soulmates not lovers.”

Emotions run high when Ellen Lloyd steps up to the mic as the new vocalist for rock band After Life. Will she prove to be heaven sent or will her arrival see the band descend into the depths of hell?

Free to download to worldwide on Amazon to celebrate World Book Day 2024

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07FYHKR44

https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B07FYHKR44

The Measly Jar of Motivation – An Odd Shoe

Birds were singing in the trees as she made her way through the labyrinth of paths to reach her grandmother’s grave. She smiled when she spotted it basking in the warm sunshine with its gorgeous view of the surrounding countryside.

Kneeling down in the lush grass, she removed the dead flowers from the vase at the base of the headstone and replaced them with the fresh wildflower bouquet she had picked that morning. Carefully she arranged them so that they sat evenly in the vase.

“Oh, Grandma,” she sighed. “I miss you. Miss your words of wisdom. Miss your smile. I wish you were here.”

Her eyes filled with tears, “Alex left me. He’s been having an affair with a woman from work. She’s pregnant with his baby.”

A small bird came to sit on the headstone, its head cocked to one side as if it was listening.

“He told me he never wanted kids!” The words were spoken with the taste of bitterness that she felt inside echoing through them. “I want kids!”

The bird looked at her.

Burying her face in her hands, she sobbed, letting out all the hurt and anger, rage and disappointment. In her mind, she could visualise her grandmother placing her hand on her shoulder and saying, “These things happen for a reason, Ruby. If you’d been meant to be a pair for life, he wouldn’t have been the odd shoe.”

“Odd shoe?” she whispered the words as she held onto the image of her grandmother.

“Never liked that boy. Didn’t make any effort to fit in. He wasn’t a good match for you. I told your mother that.”

“Mum did say you’d be relieved. She told me you weren’t Alex’s biggest fan.”

“He’s a selfish arrogant…” a bird screeching nearby drowned out a string of profanities.

“Grandma!”

“You need someone unique. Someone whose odd shoe matches yours. Don’t waste your time with Alex. You’re too good for the likes of him, girl.”

“Mum said the same thing,” sighed Ruby, drawing comfort from the ghostly conversation in her head.

“Odd shoe, Ruby. Mark my words.”

As she sat by her grandmother’s grave, Ruby dried her tears and reflected on the five years she had spent with Alex. His shoes had always been perfect…as had his clothes and hair and even his nails. He had been the well-polished Gucci loafer to her colourful Converse. In the early days of their relationship, he had adored her quirky sense of style but as he had climbed the career ladder, he had become increasingly critical of her clothes, her hair and her figure…and her job…in fact as she sat in the sun, Ruby recognised that he had found fault with everything that made her who she was.

“You’re better off without him, Ruby.”

She heard her grandmother’s voice clear as a bell.

“I need to go, Grandma,” she apologised as she got to her feet. “I’ll be back next week.”

“Watch out for odd shoes, angel.”

Smiling at the ghostly advice, Ruby headed back to her car. Checking the time, she realised she’d be late to meet her friend at the new coffee shop in town. As she reached her car, a beaten-up vintage VW beetle, she sent her friend a message, “Running late. Be with you in ten, X”.

There was only one parking space left outside the coffee shop. It was beside a red 1970’s VW camper van. As a teenager, Ruby had always dreamed of touring the country, living like a gypsy, in a red VW van. Every time she saw one, she regretted not following that dream.

“Sorry I’m late,” she apologised as she slipped into the booth to sit opposite her friend.

“You say that every time, Ruby,” laughed her friend, used to her tardiness.

“Have you ordered?”

“Not yet. I was waiting for you.”

Their conversation was interrupted by the arrival of the waiter.

“Ladies, what can I tempt you to today?”

Looking up, Ruby found herself gazing into a pair of twinkling hazel eyes. He smiled. Without taking her eyes off him, Ruby placed her order.

As he walked away, she noticed he was wearing odd shoes.

Meet the Writer 2024- parts 6-10

Day 6/15 – DOORWAY

My creative journey has opened several doorways. The key doorway was the one into the story. Taking that first step to sit down and write what became the Silver Lake series took me a huge amount of self-confidence and self-discipline. I’m terrified of letting people read what I write but the dream was always to see my name on the cover of a book. Writing and then self-publishing took me through a doorway that led me way beyond my comfort zone but I’ve never looked back.

Day 7/15 – PSEUDONYM

A pseudonym isn’t something I ever considered. Taking the decision to initially set up my blog and them to self-publish my first novel in 2015 was something I was hugely proud of achieving so there was no way I was hiding behind a pseudonym. These were my achievements and I was proud to put my name to them. I still am.

A lot of my writing journey has been about establishing my own self-belief and self-worth. It would feel as though I was cheating if I used another name.

Day 8/15 – SOUNDS

Ocean, beach and sunset spring to mind! They’re feelgood words.

Tour , book, wine and Sale are among my favourite 4 letter words.

On a more serious note, I like the Greek word MERAKI which means to do something with soul, creativity and love. Sounds a bit like writing to me 😊

Day 9/15 – LOCATION

My family would argue that you can find my writing all over the living room! LOL No, seriously, you can find my blogs at Coral McCallum | chasing rainbows and dreams in day to day life There’s also a  “shop” tab on there that leads you to the Amazon links for my book babies. My 7 book babies (oh it still feels surreal to say that out loud) can be found worldwide on Amazon if you care to look and are available as both paperbacks or ebooks. Haven’t ventured into the world of hardback books…yet. The rest of my writing can be found in countless notebooks, journals and diaries. Some of those journals may be pulled together into a “something” further down the line. Time will tell….

Day 10/15 – CHAMPION

I have been truly fortunate throughout my creative journey and for the year or so before I self-published my first book baby Stronger Within in 2015 to have a core group of “champions” by my side and behind me, encouraging my every step. These are my “infamous five” and my “cavalry” You know who you are, and I’ll not blow your cover by naming names here.

My readers, blog followers and social media followers are also my champions.

I am wholly appreciative of everyone who supports my journey. Thank you will never be enough.